Dom/mes Checklist

Article by Sir S.G.
This article is going to talk about You, yes “The Dominant” in the relationship. We all know in D/s relationships a generous amount of discussion goes into what the submissive or slave wants in the relationship. Not many will touch on things that a Dominant needs to know about His/Herself FIRST.
Just like with new submissives, Dominants alike may have not had enough “Me time” to sit and think about what their realistic expectations are in the relationship. This is critical because it defines Your personal limits, boundaries, and desires. Simply sitting and making a list of all of the things You “need” in a relationship will help you identify whether or not a submissive is right for You.

Think About It

You have a need, say it’s extreme bondage, this is one of Your top five fetishes and fascinations. It’s one of the very reasons You even entertained the idea of dabbling within the lifestyle. But You never set it as a need or standard for a new submissive/slave. Here comes along a beautiful submissive, she’s smart , attractive, and interested in You. You talk for hours , weeks, months courting. Everything seemingly is going well and You decide to begin to train her. O.K.
She confides in You and tells You that she likes just about everything that You like except one of Your needs which is bondage. The very thought of being tied freaks her out. It’s a hard limit of hers because it brings up a bad experience she’s had in her RL past. Now what do You do? You like her she’s exceptional but one of the most important things to You that You’d look forward to would be missing. Could You still be happy if Your needs were truly off the table for negotiations?
The point is, Dominants need to establish needs in the relationship just as much as the submissive. To look over this information can lead Y/you both down a road of confusion, frustration and heart break. It’s OK not to be compatible with everyone that You come in contact with. It’s OK to decline a offer of a submissive even if there is chemistry if You feel she/he would not be compatible with You. As a Dominant We are faced with dealing with the ugly truths of situations. That means being honest even when it hurts Us. It’s necessary to make these hard decisions as a Dominant . It is always up to the Dominant to make the best decision possible for the well-being of both the submissive and Yourself short or long term. That is why much assessment needs to go into what YOU want.

So How Do I know what My Needs Are vs My Wants?

  • Needs are things in the relationship that You can not go without and be able to maintain a happy relationship. Meaning eventually the relationship would die without it.
  • Wants are things that You may want in the relationship but without them would not end the relationship. You can compromise on wants from time to time because oftentimes these things can be negotiated.

Getting Started on Discovering Yourself

Create a list similar to this one: This example list may change or be added to in the future

  1. Why am I here? (i.e. What made you want to be a Dominant in the first place? Are you here because you want to be or because the person You like desires a Dom/me and You’re just willing to do it for Them? If it’s not Your personal desire 9-10 the relationship will fail because You’re in it for the wrong reasons. People in the D/s lifestyle share one common denominator….. “T/they both WANT to be all on there own!”
  2. What about being a Dominant or Master in the BDSM Lifestyle appeals to Me the most?
  3. What type of Dom/me would I be? (Do I even know the different types of Dominants? If NOT Do research on the different kinds.)
  4. What are My expectations? (i.e. What are some of the things that you want in a submisive or slave? Are they negotiable or waving depending on Your mood or set in stone? — Define them and stand your ground unless they are absolutely superficial in which case they shouldn’t exist. No one is perfect.)
  5. Do I really want to be Dom/me or do I just want rough sex? (i.e. be honest with Yourself and analyze Your true inspiration and motivation for pursuing the BDSM lifestyle.)
  6. What are My needs in a D/s relationship? (i.e. Things you need in order for you to feel content and happy in the relationship)
  7. What are My wants in a D/s relationship (i.e. Things you would like to have happen in the relationship but don’t NEED because not having them wouldn’t make you turn away?)
  8. What are My soft limits? (i.e. limits that are soft are limits that can overtime be eliminated.)
  9. What are My hard limits? (i.e. limits that you just know are NOT for you , no matter how charming your submissive might be or how deep the love Y/you both share, it’s completely off the table.)
  10. What are My turn-ons and can I openly discuss these things with a potential submissive/slave without shying away?) (one of the keys to successful D/s relationships is the intimacy level. Being able to share your desires with your partner maybe seem hard but eventually will be necessary if you expect to be truly happy)
  11. What is My ideal submissive/slave like personality wise, physically, mentally and emotionally? (Do You require a very feminine or masculine submissive? Emotionally needy at times or more independent emotionally? Does their avatar have to be attractive or is it simply all about the intellect?)
  12. Do I have enough time and educational resources to train or to dedicate and be responsible Dominant in a submissives life ? (Question Your availability it’s likely to change. Do You know how to train a submissive to please you? If your first experience You may want to work out a basic blueprint for key points to start off with.)
  13. Do I have any Dominant friends to have a support system or to get advise from ?
  14. How far does my Dominance go? (Again focus on limits, some people go further than others.) Will you seek to only dominant in worldly things of the submissive, will this include facebook activity, messengers, emails, or just in SL? If RL how much RL access would you require in order to maintain Your true happiness within the relationship?
  15. What are are somethings that You do not see Yourself obtaining with an online D/s relationship but are open to in the future if the submissive/slave is? (i.e. RL meeting?)

Your Needs List

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Your Wants List

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Your Hard Limits

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Your Turn Ons

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Now Do Some Personal Negotiating

After staring over Your list for a time. See if threes anything that seems a bit much. To YOU. For example a need that maybe isn’t really a need but a strong want. Rate each item on the lists 1-5 stars A 5 star rating meaning most needed or wanted in the relationship for it to last. You may find that this list becomes shorter or longer once closely analyzed.
After you’ve done this save this list and go back to it often as over time the more You learn about the lifestyle through research and Your own explorations and experiences You may change or add to it!

Discover Your Dom/me Style

Find out what type of Dom/me category suits You the most. Do some research on them all and find Your niche. Once You Do continue to read and do more research on the type of Dom. If possible make friends with other Doms in the same category and hangout sometime. Establish a sense of brotherhood and respect (if possible). Feel them out of course. See what they stand for and if they are givers of good advise or simply arrogant boasters that don’t care about perfecting the craft only the rewards for wearing the title Dominant or Master but doesn’t really take responsibility for having such a role.

Courtship Advantages

Don’t be in a hurry to obtain a submissive shortly after making these lists. Trust Me They will come to You. A Good Dominant doesn’t hunt for a submissive. A submissive finds You. Boasting and saying I’m this or that will only turn submissives away. No one wants an arrogant ass for a Master. Gentlemen, Respectful, Proper English and Casual Conversations are all things that are more appealing to mature women. Take the time to get to know the subject or (submissive) as a friend first. Casually hang out, make no demands on their time. A new submissive must feel as free as You are to walk away. She owes You nothing simply by entertaining Your charms.
Treat her like a lady. Should the time come for official courting… Prepare to have deeper more meaningful discussions and ones with a single purpose. To find out if she/he is compatible with You BEFORE offering training or anything exclusive.
Now never give this list to Your submissive or slave. They must be discussion about “gradually” felt out overtime and space. Don’t just send it to them and overwhelm them all at once.
During courting You will find asking the right questions at the right time may go a long way in getting You the answers to some of Your most important questions. It requires finesse and dedication. Always be a gentlemen about the situation never pushy. Every date or hang out can lead to specific topics that You initiate again I stress casually. Be just as eager to talk about music , art, and life as You are about one’s sexuality. Courting is important, not only will You get answers to those questions You sort a get to test drive their personality and see what they’re about in general. The types of friends they hang around. The things that matter most to them For example : Are they more into being an individual person or want to fit in with the crowd? Are they mature or petty? Are they something that you can respect and possibly love or someone that has no respect for themselves or others around them?
Best Regards
Sir S.G.
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