“Well, duh, of course you do.” Not so fast. This is important. It takes some discerning at times (and I have been temporarily fooled before) to see the difference between someone who genuinely wants to submit and someone who is merely (or perhaps just mostly) interested bondage sex.
Some women are very excited by bondage and sexual play involving bondage, and some of those will, to a certain extent, be willing to do things to get the bondage and sexual play they want. But when it comes to being submissive in things they do not see as leading to kinky fun for them, they will balk and/or offer excuses as to why they cannot submit in that way. This is not to say there is anything inherently wrong with that.
I am not trying to judge here. I am just trying to point out there is a difference between bondage kink and a desire to submit. And to be fair, there are Dominants who are more interested in bondage kink than they are in being a full time Dominant 24/7.
Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. But I will say again what I have said before. Know who you are and what you want.
So how does one tell the difference between bondage kink and a desire to submit. It takes a little patience and a discerning eye.
- Does the person submit even when there is no promise of sexual gratification?
- Does the person seem to take pleasure in the act of obedience, or is she only obedient because she is expecting a reward?
- Does the person act like she needs to submit or like she needs the kink?
A Dominant needs know what he wants and to pay attention to this.
A Dominant who wants a full time submissive will end up frustrated and disappointed if he chooses a sub who is more kink oriented than submission oriented.
And a Dominant who wants someone more kink oriented can end up angry and irritated by a sub who is more submission oriented and expects more full time dominant attention from her Dom. A submissive who gets sexually turned on every time she follows orders from a Dominant can be very sexy and appealing.
But there are times in full 24/7 D/s when a Dominant (or at least me) wants submission without it having to be a prelude to sex. Sometimes, I just want a submissive to sit beside me while I am watching a movie or a ball game. Sometimes I need some peace and calm, and I expect my submissive to participate in contributing to that. This does not mean a submissive would not be rewarded, but not all submission needs to be immediately rewarded with bondage kink. This is when the submissive who finds pleasure in submission, in her service to her Dom, is so very important.
I suppose more simply said, something I look for is a submissive who finds reward in the recognition of the quality of her service. Which leads me to my next point. Another important thing I look for in a submissive is motivation to serve well. Does the submissive just do what she thinks will be enough to get by? Or does she strive to obey and serve as best she is able? Do not misunderstand me. I am not looking for perfection.
What I look for is whether the submissive is genuinely trying to please by the quality of her service and obedience. In other words, is she trying to do her best? As I said, this is not about perfection. Mistakes happen.
Some submissives do not have the experience and/or training of other submissives. But when a submissive cares about the quality of her service it shows. She will show eagerness not just to serve and obey, but also to improve. In other words, it is not just about trying hard or even working hard. It is about not being satisfied with mediocre obedience. It is about trying to be better. It is about being motivated to serve well. Does this mean the submissive has to be great at everything? No. This is not about unreal expectations. This is about the attitude and desire of the submissive.
I believe I have told this story before but I will briefly run through it again. I once walked out on a play that was really quite badly executed. Later, when explaining this to some friends of mine, someone who worked on the play chastised me for my criticism because the people who had put on the play had all worked really hard on it. I relate that help explain that when I speak of serving well, I do not mean just putting forth effort. I mean trying to serve with quality. I mean, rather than making excuses for poor service, accepting when mistakes are made and striving to be better the next time.
While I am trying to keep this as generally informative as possible, I say again that I cannot speak for all Dominants. But perhaps you will learn something useful all the same. One of the things I look for in a submissive is a respectful attitude. I do not mean just being respectful to me. I mean being respectful in general. What do I mean by respectful? I am glad you asked. I will explain. When I say a respectful attitude, I do not mean acting like she is submissive to everyone. What I mean is acting in a manner that is polite, patient, attentive, understanding and considerate.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying the submissive should be weak or passive. I believe a good submissive has strength and intelligence and will. But that should be tempered, in part, by politeness, patience, attentiveness, understanding and considerateness.
If the submissive is rude or polite, hasty or patient, resentful or considerate, this tells other people something about the submissive’s Dominant.
But a person who is none of those things, not polite, not patient, not attentive, not understanding and not considerate is likely going to prove to be difficult to train. Lack of these things is a lack of respectfulness. And a submissive who has trouble respecting others is going to be difficult to train become respectful. Because first, she has to respect her Dominant. Some may think I am saying a submissive should be always meek and mild. I am not. Some submissives may be meek and mild. There is nothing wrong with that. But I am not saying all submissives must be so.
Being respectful and being meek are not the same thing.
A strong woman who knows exactly what she wants can still be respectful. Which leads me to my next point. Something I look for in a submissive is strength. I think the best submissives are strong and intelligent. This can sometimes make them a little more difficult to train, but training them is very satisfying. A strong woman determined to be the best submissive she can be is a beautiful thing.
She will learn that her submission goes beyond just doing what she is told.
She will come to understand that her submission is not a surrender of herself but an embracing and an improvement of herself. Something else I look for is intelligence. Does the submissive have to be a genius? No. But I like a submissive with whom I can carry on a reasonable conversation. But more than that, I think a smart submissive will learn better and understand more. Submission is more than just doing what one is told by a Dominant. Submission is not a path to being a robot with no will or thoughts of one’s own.
On the contrary, being a good submissive requires will and thought.
To be a truly good submissive requires the desire to submit, and also understanding, wisdom and intelligent thought. A good submissive learns not merely to do as she is told, but to anticipate what her Dominant wants and needs. A smart submissive will see the unspoken want for quiet or a neck massage or simply to have the submissive at the Dominant’s feet. A smart submissive will learn to see the things that her Dominant does not say.
When he is angry and needs to rage. When he is tired and needs to rest. When he is troubled and needs to talk. When he wants her to shut up and suck his cock. One other thing I want to mention in this post is that I look for a submissive who takes care of herself. No, I do not mean a submissive for whom I do not have to do anything. What I mean is, a submissive who wants to look good, who is not sloppy in her appearance. Do I mean the best clothes or the most fashionable? No. Again, this is not about expecting perfection. This is not about choosing the most beautiful submissive.
- How does the submissive dress?
- How does the submissive carry herself?
- Does she take care in her appearance?
She does not have to have the most expensive clothes to dress neatly and with some style. Even if I should seek to retrain a submissive’s style, I want to know she will care about adhering to it.
And I want her to believe the way she looks matters. Not in terms of defining her self-worth, but in terms of reflecting her own sense of self-worth. And, of course, reflecting well on her Dominant.
The submissive who is neat, clean, respectful, smart and strong reflects well on her Dominant.
And this should be something every submissive should try to do, even among people who know nothing about her D/s relationship. And so, something I look for in a submissive is someone who will do that and care about doing that.
Again, I cannot speak for all Dominants, but I know I am pleased when my submissive is praised or rewarded or recognized for being smart or kind or respectful or things like that. When other people recognize the good qualities of a submissive who submits to me, I like it.
It reaffirms to me that I have chosen well. And being a Dominant, I like to think that of myself and my submissive.